14th/15th/16th January 2016

Extracts from Facebook Page

14th

One more day to go……….today is a very hazy strange day. Panicking that noone will turn up. Its like having a party and noone there. How stupid is that? Just want tomorrow out of the way. However, the worse will come later I know but its been a build up to tomorrow. Done my speech. Think I will have a brandy before hand. It will be fine!!!

15th

And one of the nice things ……………….if you can call it nice……………but better than crap maybe……………….is that I am actually looking forward to looking nice for him……………as in dessing up smart…………..After looking like a dog for nearly 3 weeks and would have been a great candidate for jeremy kyle, I can go shower, do my hair, put some clown makeup on that will run down my face (if I cannot find the waterpoof stuff of course) and actually get dressed and smart. I might even shave my legs! Not even had to do that for nearly three either!

Nearly 3 weeks…………………3 weeks tomorrow when we went to the footie. 3 weeks today was xmas day……………..fuck…………..

………………………

and……………….. morning. So far so good…………………….been up and awake and out of bed and a cuppa tea and a ciggie and its not too bad. Thats 5 mins of the done already! Yep! I can do this…….

16th

What do I say!!!! Yesterday was just so hard. The morning dragged, and the time grew closer it was like the bloody ding dong church bells of doom approaching……………….not that I heard any bells!!! Had a couple of brandies to try and prepare myself, but how the hell does that one work……luckily, after a couple of doubles I knew…………enough……….I will not wobble down that walk of whatever it is….well its not an aisle is it??? or maybe it is. Is it an aisle in the crem??? Anyhows………….the drive in the car took forever, and I was slightly fascinated with the coffin in front. Not sure if, at that stage, I thought it was Ian…………just a coffin in a car in front. The worst was the kids crying. Maybe 40 minutes drive all together and it was heavy going in that car. Let me out. I want a fag…….or by the time we got there, most of us wanted a wee!!
The walk down behind the coffin was switched off. I stared at the floor. Grabbing Ss hand. I didnt look up once. It felt that the place was empty. I thought noone had come !. Sat down and then trembled and trembled and trembled. It must had looked like i was having a bloody fit from behind. Andy did a great speech. Emma did a great poem. I managed, from god knows where, to get up and do mine……….unrehearsed bit at the beginning……..I look up and see for the first time people…………..and just said……….well this is shit aint it………….and we all sort of laughed. sort of!! But there was a ripple of noise and off I went. I will put the speech up later………cause I am a tad proud of that…………but I will never forget the fight to get the strength from inside to do it………..thanks Ian.
Not once did I feel him in that coffin. Not once. I focused on his picture at the front. I actually got my strength from that pic. The coffin was meaningless. A big of furniture someone had planted there.
And what a great boozy weepy reception we had at the golf club. Brillaint staff, Just all so brilliant. Apart from the main man was missing. Oh he would have been working that room!!! It was exhausting, exhilarating in some ways, emotional always, and I am glad that bit is bloody over!


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