16th/18th/19th February 2016

Extracts from Facebook Page

18th

My posing hubby in the Seychelles a couple of years ago

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Ashes – decided to go and collect Ian’s ashes yesterday. Up until now I have had no connection to these ashes, just as I had none towards the coffin. But, I did not want to leave them at the funeral directors, so off I went and was given a very heavy green cardboard box and a Roy Cropper looking green bag to put the box into. I pops them into the car and immediately felt very comforted. Gets them home and puts the bag plus box into my wardrobe. Orders online for next day delivery a very nice big heart urn thingie and a teardrop pendant on a necklace that you can put some ash into. The thought process of this is that I can take the necklace anywhere I go. The ashes will remain in the UK until I come up with a better plan, or until I mix myself in with them! Both the Urn and the necklace were not cheap. Both came today. I like neither! The urn is a nice ornament but its not for my Ian and the bottom drops out! YOu have to glue it and I dont want to do this. The necklace, though pretty, is more like costume jewelry, and not quite good enough. Undeterred, I still wanted to take something with me on my travels so I bravely opens up the green box and puts a little bit into the pendant on the necklace. Then I though, ooohhhhh, I can sew some into a teddy bear and hug it at night and take that with me as well. So I puts some more into a little plastic pouch that the necklace came in (yep, 100 pound necklace comes in plastic pouches!) and wraps lots of clingfilm around it. Then I disect a nice teddy I have and insert the little bundle into the teddy and move it around to his heart. Neatly sewed up I am feeling very pleased with myself. Until I suddenly realise that if I take teddy onto the plane and get stopped it will surely look like I have a little pocket of something illegal sewn into my teddy! Bollox. So much for ideas. So teddy is staying in England. The pendant will travel with me for now until I find something better. And the green cardboard box, in the Roy Cropper bag will remain where it is till I see something fit enough for my Ian!

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18th

What a great idea my Teddy was. I cuddle up to it at night and I feel like I have a piece of Ian beside me. If I am feeling stressed, or hurt, or tearful, or all the other emotions that come and go with widowhood, I just go and have a quiet moment with the bear. Here’s my Ian Bearing his chest.

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19th

Journeys………………mostly we choose our own journeys. Holidays, trips, events etc. Journeys were a big part of Ian and I. We were very lucky. We did so much together and saw so very much together. Journeys should be fun. Exciting. Full of antisipation. etc etc etc. I do not like this current journey though. It started abruptly and probably will never end. It will have other journeys intermingled with it, but this journey is not one I planned for. Not one I want to continue on, but must. Not one I look forward to. No pleasure. No excitement. Just a long journey reaching out into the distance. I am in vehicle. Sometimes I go through a smooth part of the journey. Not for long, but I do get them them. Sometimes I get severe car crashes on the journey where you are jolted, bruised and battered. Mostly it is a bumpy journey. Up. Down. Big up. Big Down. Rocking from side to side. It is a journey that has been very hard, is very hard, and will be very hard. But I will travel this journey. And just like many other journeys, Ian is still with me. And I will survive this journey. Eventually.

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