1st/3rd/4th/5th February 2016

1st

Another very hard thing of being a widow (OK, I am having a feeling very sorry for myself hour or so!! But I am entitled!) is that I find it also very sad that I have lost a part of me that will never come back. i will never be that same person again, and I actually quite liked her. I not only lost my husband, but I lost part of me too. I am grieving for that loss too. I stare in the mirror and hardly recognise the sad face staring back at me. Even when I smile, I see the sadness. Ok, it is early days still. Granted. But I can’t ever see me shining so bright again. Tis a cruel world.

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I have become a liar. Or maybe that is too strong a word. I don’t tell the full truth. I meet strangers on the golf course or the taxi guy or someone at the club and they say the normal…how long you been here? How many children? Are you married? What does your husband do? Etc etc. And I still answer the same way I answered 6 weeks ago. It would be a bit of a conversation stopped wouldn’t it if I said…my husband died a few weeks ago. I don’t want to embarrass other people. Then I get to think……am I still married? I still feel married, but technically am I still a wife? In my eyes I still have a husband. He just doesn’t breathe the same way I do anymore. Is a widow married? Is a widow single? My heart is still married. I will wear my rings for ever more. I am not available if that’s the terminology. It’s a complicated life this widowhood. X

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3rd

Well that was a real tonic last night. An emotional return leg of the Liverpool match at our ground. In some ways I was dreading it and didn’t know how I would be, but typically this grief thing strikes when you don’t expect it, then doesn’t when you do. The game took over and the super Vardy goal was just for Ian. Now that is some tribute Mr Midgley. Once again, football has become my savior. Today I smile x

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4th

Blonde moment………………ok, I maybe had these before Ian decided to flee this earth, but they are getting worse!! Today I had a new washing machine, and told the delivery guys……….I can plumb it myself……..so off they went. I took the big nuts out the back (apparently very important to remove nuts) and the polystyrene underneath………..pulled out the old machine and went under the sink to remove the water hose. But the valve had gone, so I thought……..ok, I can just remove the part on the old one, put a bowl underneath to catch the water, and screw it quickly on the new one. MIght be a bit of water, but it will work!!!!!!!!!! Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I was not ready for the torrent of water that spewed from this bloomin pipe, and it was that forceful that I couldnt get it on the thread of the new machine. Water, water, everywhere and I couldnt even direct it into the sink because I had removed the waste hose and anything going down the sink was coming out in the cupboard. After a few minutes that seemed like hours I got the stop cock and turned the water off. Soaked through. Floor swimming. Water on all walls, ceiling, windows etc. All sorted now with a very clean kitchen and a nice new washing machine. Next time, say yes to help!!!

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5th

I am going to create a book for photos. One of those you do online and they print them out. I have over a 1000 on FB of Ian (thank god I didnt think I was too old to use FB all those years ago). Going through them all they are just so many, so I have decided to add one every day on here, or other day or whenever. That will keep me going for 3 years if my maths is right!

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Yeh. I had my first dream about Ian this afternoon. (Cheeky little nap!) I was talking to someone else, and that person became Ian and we held hands and I was telling him how hard it was without him etc. I cant remember what he said but it felt comforting when I awoke. Having a bit of a tough day, so that was needed. Thanks Mr M x

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Death = eternal love. Let me explain. When you are with someone, you love them despite any imperfections. We all have them, imperfections. But we love our partners inspite of them. It could be that they fart in bed. It could be that they are arseholes when pissed. It could be that they don’t give you the remote control. Imperfections are humans. But when someone dies they become perfection. Your love for them is deeper than the love you felt when alive. That love can never be broken. It is all consuming. You will never feel such love until you lose them. Cherish what you have today together with the imperfections because the deeper death love may only be around the corner.

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My hunky man

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