26th/27th May 2016

Extracts from Facebook Page

26th

Five months tomorrow. What does that actually mean!! Jack shit really!! It is irrelevant if its 5 months, 6 months, 5 days, 1 year etc I suppose. I am moving forward slowly. Only because that is the way of the world. I have no choice. Keep going. Some days are okish. Some days, hours and minutes are still excruciatingly painful. I still will not accept it. I still wouldn’t be surprised if he walked through the door………………..but my god would I give him one almighty slap if he did!! I wish I knew, as I am sure everyone that has lost someone wishes they know too…………..if he is ok. If he misses me. If he is actually mourning for the world he left. If he is watching us all. If he is able to guide us. If he is able to laugh with us. If he is able to say you silly woman haha.
I have always thought there was life after death. Or that when someone dies they have something afterwards. But now I question that and I dont know why. I hate the thought that there is nothing. I hate the thought that there is no Ian at all in any format. I hate that, but I cant help thinking maybe thats that sometimes. At the beginning I felt him here all the time, but now I dont know if it is just wishful thinking. HOpefully, that feeling that Ian is still around will come back. Maybe he is having to embark on a journey of his own and is busy. Who knows. Noone really. Noone really knows do they?
Five months. Five long hard bloody months. Life’s a bitch eh!

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27th

I carry this pic with me whenever I am away from either home and I take it to both homes and have it by my bedside at night. I am actually off camping today at a local music festival for the weekend and shall be bopping away to replica bands of all eras. Ian would have hated it haha as he couldnt stand large crowds – and maintained he hated sleeping in a tent (I think he was pretending about the later, as we used to go camping a fair bit and he loved it really!!) But his pic is coming with me. This one is actually around 9 years old but he didnt change much over the years. His blue eyes follow me everywhere. I love this pic.

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30th

Well I had a fab weekend camping and slumming it up at Glastonbudget with some great fake bands. My fav was Queen at the end. One song reduced me to tears (love of my life) and another one got me thinking exactly what I am doing without realising it. Cant change that. But it made me just realise.

Love of My Life

Great Pretender

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