10 Months

10 Months today.  Strange how only a few things are counted in months…………….a start of a relationship; a new baby; time before a holiday; months since you became a widow!

Reflecting over the past few weeks, I have come to realise that I have now become two different people in the same skin.  I am the widow that grieves and cannot believe how life has turned upside down within the blink of an eye.  I am also the new Denise.  The one that gets on with life and tries to make something of her life and to keep going each day.  These two rarely meet in the middle.  The new Denise has become very clever at blocking.  If the widow pops up her head it is quickly squashed.  How I block I have no idea.  Some inner strength comes from somewhere and I block, and block very quickly when I feel the waves of despair coming towards me.    I make myself numb to certain feelings.  A little bit like going to the dentist with a really painful tooth and you get anaesthetic.  I anaesthetise myself.  That tooth is not going to hurt so much if I keep the numbness going.  Of course it doesn’t always work.  I can cry at a blink of an eye.  Just looking at a picture.  Just thinking a thought.  Just hearing a song.  Just seeing Christmas decorations etc. Now, I actually do not think all this blocking is particularly healthy. I am more than aware that this treatment cannot go on indefinitely and at some stage I am going to have the pain showing through in bigger waves.  The 12 month anniversary is approaching far too fast, and I know that this is going to be so painful.  I am not sure what to do on that day at all.  Christmas, as previously said, will be kept to a similar pattern.  Boxing Day when Ian had the heart attack and the dreaded 27th will be the two days I need to find someway of coping with.  I have thought about going back to Dubai for those few days, where I think I will feel Ian more closely.  I have thought about getting away to friends who were very close to us both.  I have thought about taking me and the kids to some remote snowy place and go sledging with wolves.  Lots of thoughts going around but nothing concrete as yet.  It is going to be a tough time.  But you know what.  I shall cope.  My anaesthetic is pretty good!

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