wiltingwidow

11 months today – This so called anniversary is a nothingness. Everything is pointing at next month when we hit the big ONE WHOLE YEAR. This month is meaningless. Just another number. Just the last one before the BIG one. I did something this week that I have never done before. I put up my Christmas tree in November. Now I have always been big on Christmases. Always a massive event for me and my family, and I go all out to have that special time with lots of presents and games and festive rows haha. Ian always used to say that my job was Mrs Clause, and I started to buy gifts normally around August time…..just bits and bobs in the sales, as and when I saw them. I arranged Christmas. The dinner, the timings, the people, the gifts etc etc. It has always been my busiest time of the year. Last year, after the ‘event’, I threw everything out that was christmasy. The tree, the blue and white baubles, the food, etc. I did keep the few christmas cards. The last ones that would ever be addressed to Denise and Ian. But everything else went. This year I didn’t want a tree. This year I didn’t want a normal big event. This year was different. But as the weeks ticked by I realised I still had kids and grandkids. I still needed to make an effort, so although I was well behind schedule, I started to buy a few presents and started my excel sheet of names, number of presents, total (oh yes. I am one of those sad women that have a spread sheet every year so that everyone got roughly the same amount spent on them and the same amount of presents to open Christmas day!!). Then I decided I would have a tree. Different decorations – no more blue and white baubles this year – but I would do a tree. You cannot have presents without a tree right!! So I ordered one and it came this week. I had collected white trinkets over the past few weeks to decorate the tree and ordered blue lights (ok – I am still going to go with the blue and white scheme of course!!) – but no baubles. Anyway…….the tree came and instead of putting it in the garage or storing it elsewhere I stuck some Christmas music on and put the tree up and dressed it. I felt neither happy nor sad. I felt absolutely nothing and was very mechanical about all of this. It was a nothingness again. It looks very beautiful now and I am very pleased with it, but the whole ‘doing’ of the tree was meaningless, along with the music. So, strangely, I am still having Christmas, but trying to come out of some of the traditions of years of being Mrs Clause. I think I am failing in trying really, as I now have numerous presents and my excel spreadsheet is bursting with numbers. Ian would be proud of me!!