Well, thats the firsts all out of the way bar the funeral. In some ways it feels worse now. A year ago on all of the ‘firsts’ were happy memories. Now I only see what it was like this time last year – the fall out. This time last year was horrendous. A year back from next week was horrendous. It just goes on an on, And it also feels sad that time is moving away and that it is now over 12 months since I last saw Ian. That, in itself, is still very bizarre. How can it possibly be that long? What happens when it gets longer and longer – will memories slip away – will I forget things that we did etc? How will I feel 2 years down the line? 3 years, 4 etc etc etc?
Reaching the anniversary was hard for us all. But we managed. What choice do you have really!! However, we did have a ‘nice’ Christmas and we did manage to get through the following days after for the 12 month leaving anniversary. It was a great idea to get away, and that certainly did help a lot. Now I wonder how we will feel next year?
Did anything change after 12 months? Not really. It still feels surreal. It still feels incredibly sad. It still feels so unfair.
But onwards we march. Carving out our own little lives. Trying to make the most of what we have and looking forward to what is to come. Is it being brave? Nah, I don’t think so. Its just doing what you have to do because there is no choice. I have said this before, and I will always say it. I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to stand still and ebb away into widowhood. I am determined that what I had in the past will push me into the future. I am a survivor, even when, sometimes, it just don’t feel like it!!